Many empty nesters regret not spending enough quality time with their children during their formative years and long for stronger connections with them as adults. This article explores strategies to nurture and plan those bonds early. It offers practical ways to transform mundane everyday activities into meaningful bonding experiences. This article explains how to strategically introduce activities to your children that you can continue doing with them when they grow up. It also clarifies how to build a foundation of trust and secure attachment.
The Biggest Regret of Empty Nesters: Missing Out on Time with Their Children
One of the most common regrets among empty nesters is not spending enough quality time with their children during their formative years. Building strong bonds with children requires shared moments and a foundation of mutual interests and values.
Statistically, over 60% of adult parents regret not dedicating enough time to their children—regardless of education, background, or socioeconomic status.1
Even high-profile individuals have acknowledged this struggle. Former President Barack Obama reflected on his time as a young father:
“When Malia and Sasha were younger, work kept me away from home more than it should have. During the campaign, not a day went by that I didn’t wish I could spend more time with the family.”
Actress Jane Fonda shared her regrets about not being present enough for her children:
“I was not the kind of mother that I wish that I had been to my children. I know what it’s supposed to be now, I didn’t know then. So, I’m trying to show up now.”
For Sir Patrick Stewart, the consequences of prioritizing work over parenting became heartbreakingly permanent:
“I could’ve done better as a parent when my kids were little. I was just obsessed with my work and everything else took second place. I never thought that this would happen, but both my children are in their 50s – they’re not children anymore, they’re adults. And my relationship with them is practically non-existent.”
Perhaps most poignant are the words of a less famous father, shared through a recorded will for his children, Jake and Jessica:
“If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have missed one dance recital, one basketball game. I would have done a better job at showing up, and I’m so sorry for that. In my head, I wanted to work hard, so you could have a good life and not worry about the money like I was.”
The message is clear: time with your children is fleeting and irreplaceable. Making an effort to be present with young children can create memories and bonds that last a lifetime.
Parental Protection for Children Starts with a Genuine Connection
Most parents aspire to protect and influence their children. This goal is only achievable if strong connections are established during childhood. The concept of “connect to protect” is essential for parenting and any meaningful relationship. After all, who would accept advice or want to spend time with someone who doesn’t listen, isn’t trusted, or isn’t liked?
In psychology, a healthy parent-child relationship is called a secure attachment. Secure attachment means the child has a reliable “safe harbour”—a supportive and comforting foundation they can return to after exploring the world. Secure attachment fosters trust and emotional security, enabling children to grow into emotionally intelligent adults capable of forming successful and harmonious relationships.
Research shows that children with secure attachments demonstrate better resilience, stronger self-esteem, and healthier coping mechanisms throughout life. This type of bond equips them with the tools to navigate challenges and build meaningful connections with others, shaping their ability to personally and professionally thrive.
The foundation of secure attachment rests on two key principles: be available and be fully present with your child.2 Being available means creating an environment where your child feels heard, valued, and supported. Being fully present means setting aside distractions and giving your child undivided attention during moments of connection.
These practices require conscious effort, particularly in today’s fast-paced, digitally-driven world. However, investing time and presence during a child’s formative years yields lifelong rewards. Children who feel securely attached to their parents are less likely to seek validation from unhealthy sources and are more likely to grow into adults who can protect their emotional well-being.
“Connect to protect” is more than a parenting mantra—it’s a strategy for fostering trust, emotional growth, and lasting bonds that endure well beyond childhood.
18 Years to Build Bonds for Children’s and Our Well-Being
Many insightful books emphasize the significance of childhood as the ideal time to establish meaningful connections and unbreakable bonds with your children. One such book, The Family Board Meeting: You Have 18 Summers to Create Lasting Connection with Your Children, serves as a wake-up call for parents who assume their time with their kids is unlimited. The reality is stark: some parents estimate that 75% of their time with their children is over by age 12 and 90% by age 18. Recognizing this during your child’s early years can make a big difference.
Psychologists also stress the critical role of early childhood in shaping a person’s future. The information children absorb before age seven profoundly influences their subconscious, shaping their decisions and behaviours throughout life. This window is a golden opportunity for parents to spend quality time with their little ones, ensuring they feel loved, valued, secure, and connected. It is also the ideal time to limit the flow of information and influences from screens, which can compete with genuine parental interaction.
Building strong bonds with children is crucial for their development and the parent’s well-being in later years. Research by Blue Zone experts shows that robust family connections contribute significantly to older adults’ physical and mental health.3 Conversely, loneliness and family estrangements can have detrimental effects on aging individuals.
A “grandmother hypothesis” explains the need for intergenerational connection. The hypothesis suggests that women evolved to live beyond menopause to help raise and support the next generation. Strong family bonds, rooted in love and connection, fulfill a fundamental human need that benefits all generations. 4
By fostering deep relationships during childhood, parents create a legacy of love and support that lasts a lifetime, benefitting both children and themselves.
Practical Recommendations for Building Bonds with Child
Do Chores Together
Instead of saying, “Go tidy up your room,” try, “Let’s clean your room together.” Household chores have magic when approached strategically. They can spark creativity and strengthen bonds. Everyone has their preferences about chores. While I dislike vacuuming, I enjoy doing dishes, folding laundry, and shopping. What I love even more is sharing these tasks with a friend, like my daughters. Start doing these activities when your children are little, chatting and having fun along the way.
Pick activities where you work side by side while talking. For example, one can fold laundry while another puts it away. When your children grow older and their schedules become busier, they won’t need to carve out separate time to connect. Folding laundry, doing dishes or shopping together can be one of your ways to catch up, just like you’ve always done.
Choose a Family-Friendly Kitchen
The kitchen is truly the heart of the home, where meals are prepared and families bond. With hours spent daily cooking and eating, this space should foster togetherness. An open-concept design, combining the kitchen and family room, is ideal for creating a cohesive space where cooking, dining, and family activities can seamlessly come together, fostering communication and togetherness. This setup allows parents to prepare meals while watching children and talking. For young families, the family room space can be enhanced with toys and games, turning the area into a lively hub of activity. Cooking and playing coexist seamlessly, ensuring family members can interact effortlessly.
Cooking together creates lasting memories, fosters independence, and promotes a healthy lifestyle. Measuring ingredients and following recipes help develop math, reading, and problem-solving abilities. Preparing traditional or diverse dishes introduces children to different cuisines, broadening their understanding and appreciation of other cultures.
Plan Fun Time Together
A study on happiness and vacations found that anticipating a vacation can bring more joy than the vacation itself. 5 “When we anticipate something, we feel some of the same pleasure we will during the event itself — only the pleasure can last much longer,” pointed out Laura Vanderkam, the author of multiple books on time management. You can share the joy of anticipation with your children by planning fun activities and trips together.
Engage your children by letting them help plan vacations, celebrations, holidays, and weekends. Encourage them to create packing lists, choose destinations, and suggest activities. Research with them, read reviews and discuss potential adventures as a family to build anticipation. Discuss the details of upcoming plans and things you will enjoy as a family. By doing this, you will double their pleasure, get some help, and obtain additional insights into their interests and preferences.
Choose Future-Ready Family Sports
Envision a future where you and your adult child are still having fun together on the golf course, at the tennis court, or on the slopes. Strategically introduce your children to sports and activities you will enjoy doing with them when they grow up. Examples are tennis, golf, swimming, cycling, hiking, badminton, soccer, bowling, yoga and ping pong. These activities are perfect for all ages. Most offer a full-body workout, promote cardiovascular health, and are adaptable to different fitness levels. These activities are fun and accessible for family outings and social gatherings.
If you’re new to these activities, it can be an excellent opportunity to learn alongside your child, taking lessons and encouraging each other. These shared experiences build bonds while promoting physical health and an active lifestyle. By introducing these lifelong activities early, you’re investing in a tradition of joy and connection that can continue for years.
Share Your Interests with Your Children
People bond through shared experiences, and this is especially true for parents and children. Sharing common interests strengthens family bonds. Parents should not impose hobbies on children. Every parent needs to help their children find and nurture their uniqueness and interests. A good starting point for parents is to share their interests and get their children involved in their hobbies.
For example, if a dad plays guitar, a child-sized instrument can make learning fun together. Similarly, a mom who loves yoga can join a child-friendly class to include her child. The key is to start slowly, remain flexible, and prioritize fun, ensuring the experience is enjoyable for everyone.
In healthy families, children often adopt their parents’ interests. Thus, children of famous musicians or actors frequently follow similar paths. If you lack a hobby, consider starting one while your kids are young and get them involved.
Schedule Regular Board Games
Scheduling regular board game nights is a fantastic way to unite the family while fostering valuable life skills. Board games offer numerous benefits beyond entertainment. First and foremost, board games provide a screen-free activity that strengthens relationships. Board games that require collaboration teach how to work effectively with others. Playing enhances communication skills and improves problem-solving abilities. Most games often involve counting, reading instructions, and using logic. They create a shared experience, strengthening family bonds and encouraging communication. Kids develop important skills such as teamwork, goal setting, planning, patience, and creativity during gameplay.
One of the most significant lessons board games teach is how to handle failure gracefully. Losing in a game provides a safe environment for children to learn resilience and how to adapt, improving their problem-solving abilities. These evenings allow families to unplug, engage face-to-face, and create cherished memories.
Make Time for Individual Dates
Scheduling regular one-on-one time with each of your children is an excellent way to strengthen your relationship and make them feel truly valued. These dates provide a unique opportunity to focus on your child’s interests, showing them that their passions and preferences matter. This dedicated attention can significantly boost their self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Spending time together in their favourite activities lets you learn more about their personalities, ideas, and aspirations. It’s a chance to connect more meaningfully and create cherished memories. Most importantly, these moments filled with fun and laughter are essential for fostering a strong emotional bond.
Whether as simple as a walk, a favourite game, or a hobby, these one-on-one experiences can become a treasured tradition that strengthens your connection and helps your child feel loved and appreciated.
Prioritize Being Present
Do your best to be there for your child’s important moments, like performances, tournaments, milestones, and celebrations, to show your support and make them feel valued and loved. When children know their parents are watching and cheering them on, it boosts their confidence and motivates them to try harder. They see that their efforts are recognized, making them more resilient and determined. Whether for small achievements or big milestones, being there sends a powerful message: they matter.
Be there, too, to help them cope with their failures. In August 2024, British Olympic diver Andrea Spendolini-Sirieix narrowly missed a podium finish, placing sixth in her event. Her father, Fred Sirieix, known for his role on Channel 4’s “First Dates,” was there to comfort her. He reminded her, “It’s sport. Some days you win, and some days you lose. And yesterday, you did brilliant.”6
Create Memorable Moments
You don’t need to spend a fortune to create lasting memories with your children. Your time, creativity, and undivided attention matter more than expensive gifts. Instead of simply giving presents, make the experience magical by creating a treasure map for them to discover their surprises.
Take time to play together. Plan celebrations and special birthday parties. Make your children feel important and loved. These small yet meaningful gestures strengthen your bond and leave a lasting impression on your child’s heart.
The effort you invest in your children will always return to you in beautiful and unexpected ways. Ginny MacColl, a former dancer turned competitive athlete, shared that her daughter Jessy inspired her journey. Reflecting on their relationship, MacColl said, “Jessy was always a mini-me when growing up. Now I feel I am a mini-Jessy.”7
Use Pictures as Positive Reinforcement
In today’s picture-taking-obsessed world, very few parents need a reminder to take pictures of their families. It is how we use pictures that make a big difference. Taking pictures of potty training and the child’s face smothered with food is ok, but keep them to yourself. Make sure to take pictures of happy and powerful moments. Capture every victory, big or small. Document moments of joy, connection and fun with family and friends.
Display these photos on your walls to remind your children they are strong and capable. These pictures of “peak performance” can swiftly bring your children to a mental and physical state of peak performance. These pictures remind us that life is good and family is important. These visual cues inspire positivity and gratitude. By surrounding your children and yourself with these affirmations, you create an environment that celebrates resilience, love, and togetherness.
Key Takeaways
- Most empty nesters regret not spending more quality time with their children during their formative years. Also, most empty nesters crave deeper bonds with their grown-up children.
- The window to connect and enjoy time with your children is limited and precious. Some parents estimate that 75% of their time with their kids is spent by age 12 and 90% by age 18.
- Sharing household chores and making plans are simple yet impactful bonding activities that can extend into your child’s adulthood. An open-concept kitchen helps a lot.
- Introducing your children to sports, hobbies and activities you can enjoy together as they grow can create lasting opportunities for connection.
- Prioritizing being present with your children through play, one-on-one outings, and creating memorable moments builds a foundation of trust and love. Take and display pictures of happy moments.
Footnotes
1. https://nypost.com/2024/09/19/lifestyle/the-key-differences-between-working-and-non-working-parents/
2. https://www.verywellmind.com/secure-attachment-signs-benefits-and-how-to-cultivate-it-8628802
3. https://www.bluezones.com/2023/01/why-social-bonds-are-important-for-health/
4. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/02/07/692088371/living-near-your-grandmother-has-evolutionary-benefits
5. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/02/100218125204.htm
6. https://www.upworthy.com/fred-sirieix-consoles-daughter-at-olympics
7. https://www.instagram.com/ginnymaccoll/