Making others feel seen builds our social capital and enriches our lives. This article explores practical strategies for making people seen in every relationship, whether by acknowledging strangers, engaging with acquaintances, or giving loved ones our full attention. You’ll also discover tips on focusing on the positive, avoiding negativity, and keeping important information about the people who matter most.
An Overlooked Value of Paying Attention
Journalists and TV hosts, whose work relies on giving people full attention, often say that attention is the most precious yet overlooked gift. In our world of constant distraction, making people feel seen has become an increasingly rare and valuable commodity.
Attention is The Greatest Gift
Oprah Winfrey, best known for The Oprah Winfrey Show, which ran for 25 years, makes people feel seen and heard for a living.
In her interview with People magazine, Oprah emphasized the power of attention: “One of the greatest gifts you can give to anybody is your full attention.”1
Through years of speaking with people from all walks of life, Oprah noticed a common desire we all share: a desire for validation. Regardless of the guest, whether a celebrity, politician or everyday individual, Oprah observed that, after every interview, they all sought reassurance. “At the end of every one of those interviews, in one form or another, someone always said, ‘Was that okay? How was that? Was that good?’”1 Oprah translated this as a more profound question: “Did you hear me? Did what I say matter?”
When people feel seen, heard and valued, communication improves, relationships flourish, and new connections are formed. Mastering paying attention is key to building deeper and richer relationships and social connections. Whether interacting with close friends, distant acquaintances, or strangers, being truly present strengthens bonds, fosters trust, and creates meaningful connections.
Attention fulfills the fundamental human need for recognition and connection. When fully present, we affirm others’ worth, making them feel seen and understood. By prioritizing attentiveness, we enrich our social connections and cultivate a culture of empathy and respect. Giving undivided attention demonstrates thoughtfulness and care in personal relationships or professional interactions.
Navigating a World Designed for Distraction
“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way,” noted Canadian producer and actor Keanu Reeves
Giving attention to others is a daunting task primarily because we live in a world where almost everyone competes for our attention. People spend hours daily consuming content online4, and attention has become a valuable currency. Studies confirm that social media, particularly short, flashy reels, significantly reduce attention spans. 2 3 For our brains, the impact of these reels is comparable to the effect of sugar on our bodies. It provides quick, addictive bursts of stimulation while diminishing our ability to sustain deep focus over time.
As a result, many people have become accustomed to fast-paced, shallow interactions rather than meaningful, in-depth engagement. This shift is evident in many social and family gatherings, where people often focus more on their phones than on each other. This unfortunate reality has become a frequent satire subject, reflecting a growing societal concern.
Multitasking has become the norm, making undivided attention feel like a luxury. The pressure of juggling multiple responsibilities leads to stress and mental overload, causing people to be preoccupied with their concerns rather than fully engaging with others.
In a world designed to fragment our attention, the ability to be fully present with others is becoming increasingly rare and, thus, increasingly more valuable. For many of us, growing up and living in such an environment means we must put extra effort into genuinely focusing on one another. Giving others undivided attention is becoming increasingly rare and increasingly valuable.
How to Make People Feel Seen and Valued
Making people seen and valued people enriches our lives, whether we acknowledge a stranger, engage with acquaintances, or give undivided attention to loved ones.
Noticing Strangers Can Bring Joy and Save Lives
Never miss a chance to pay attention to people around you. Even a small act of kindness can make a big difference.
I was loading the barbell for a deadlift at my gym, placing an empty bar on a jump box to make it easier. I started sliding on the heaviest plate, but it wouldn’t go in smoothly. As I wiggled it, the bar kept shifting back and forth.
Then, suddenly, the movement stopped. The plate slid in effortlessly, like a glove. I saw a fellow gym-goer at the other end of the bar, securing a plate on his side while holding the bar steady for me with a big smile. That small act of kindness made my day. All it took was for him to pay attention and step in.
By paying attention to people around us, we can not only brighten someone’s day and experience a “helper’s high” but even save a life, just as Jessica Higgs did. An Instacart driver, Jessica Higgs, arrived at a customer’s house and immediately sensed something was off. While she couldn’t enter the customer’s home, her instincts told her to check inside. After setting the groceries in the kitchen, she noticed a propane tank in the living room and felt dizzy within minutes.6
Recognizing the dangers of gas leaks, Jessica messaged the man’s daughter. Shortly, a propane leak was confirmed. The family called Jessica a hero who saved lives.
Noticing and acknowledging people around you pays big dividends. Countless examples exist of people making friends and expanding their social circle just by noting others.
Making “Weak Ties” Feel Seen Can Bring Opportunities
Sociologist Mark Granovetter introduced the term “weak ties” to describe the network of people we know casually: friends of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, professional contacts, or even former classmates. In his seminal paper, The Strength of Weak Ties,7 Granovetter argues that these less intimate connections often provide more access to novel opportunities, insights, and perspectives than we receive from close-knit relationships with family and friends.
As Granovetter puts it, “Your weak ties connect you to networks that are outside of your own circle. They give you information and ideas that you otherwise would not have gotten.”
When we see our weak ties, our usual reaction is to start with a compliment such as “Nice dress” or “You look great.” Are there any other ways to let them know they matter? Keep the “weak ties” connections alive by following them on social media posts. Acknowledge milestones or achievements, whether a work anniversary, a new job, or a personal accomplishment.
If you come across an article, event, or opportunity that aligns with their interests or needs, pass it along with a personal note. Connect them with others who might help expand their professional or personal horizons. After a conversation, check in later on any issues or updates they mentioned to show you were listening. A brief note expressing gratitude for their time, insight, or assistance can go a long way.
Think of these “weak ties” as valuable customers. Investing in them builds your social capital, creates new opportunities, and strengthens your network.
Paying Attention to Loved Ones Can Deepen Bonds
We all want to develop deep bonds with our loved ones based on emotional connection, positivity, and deep conversations. But how to make someone feel heard and seen? Our instinct might lead us to initiate conversations and actively listen. Yet these well-intentioned efforts can sometimes feel like an interrogation, especially to pre-teens and teens who may be sensitive to too many inquiries.
Consider a typical scenario. On our walk from school, I try to engage my daughter in conversation, asking, “How was your day?” and receiving a curt, “Great.” When I follow up with, “Who did you play with?” She replies, “Friends.” Only later, when I’m preoccupied, something in her surroundings triggers her to share an interesting story from school. And then, at bedtime, rather than settling down, she’s eager to play.
This familiar pattern highlights the importance of meeting our loved ones where they are by noticing and attuning to their emotional and physical states. It means observing subtle cues. For example, if my daughter appears tired after school, it might not be the ideal moment to dive into a conversation. On the other hand, if she’s in a playful mood before bed, a gentle, playful, but calming activity could ease her transition to sleep.
Genuine connection begins with paying attention to the emotional and physical states of those we care about and offering tailored support to their needs.
Tip to Master the Art of Making People Feel Seen
Mastering the art of making people feel seen involves three key pillars: focusing on the positive, recognizing patterns to avoid negativity and destructive conflicts, and taking notes about people we care about.
Focus on Positive
In a popular psychology experiment, participants are asked to count every red item they see. Afterward, the experimenter asked the participants to list any green items they spotted in the room. Unsurprisingly, people who focus on red items often overlook items of different colours.
The experiment results demonstrate selective attention, a phenomenon James Clear explores in his article “How to Get Your Brain to Focus on What Matters.”8 Clear uses the “cocktail party effect” to illustrate the brain’s ability to zoom in on a single conversation amid a noisy room of overlapping voices. Our minds filter out less relevant stimuli to concentrate on what we perceive as necessary.
Zooming in on the positive is crucial for any relationship. According to writer and researcher Emily Rhodes, individuals who constantly dwell on the negative “drain our energy and make it harder to focus on growth and success.“9 Rhodes advises distancing ourselves from such negativity.
Rather than constantly complaining, consciously try to see and emphasize the bright side. Regularly offer positive comments, share affirmations, and use positive reinforcement with those around you. This practice not only builds confidence but also strengthens your connections.
Consider George Clooney’s advice to his seven-year-old son after losing a chess game: “Listen, you shake the guy’s hand and say, ‘Good game, I’ll get you next time.'”10 Instead of focusing on the loss or dwelling on mistakes, Clooney encouraged a mindset of resilience and optimism. His simple remark, “I’ll get you next time,” embodies the spirit of learning from setbacks and confidently moving forward.
Recognise Patterns
Paying attention to people’s behaviour, mood, and appearance is important, but giving special attention to behaviour patterns is paramount. Many psychologists agree that much of human behaviour is automatic, operating on what can be described as autopilot, much like driving a car on a familiar route. By recognizing patterns in ourselves and others, we can positively intervene in the automatic processes that drive our actions.
Pattern recognition and interruption are powerful techniques which can change the course of undesirable thoughts and behaviours. A classic example comes from American author and life coach Tony Robbins, as seen in the documentary movie “I Am Not Your Guru.” In one scene, Tony engages with a seminar participant who expresses deep self-loathing and dissatisfaction with his life. Tony employs a pattern interruption instead of entering into an argument or reinforcing the negative pattern.
Tony Robbins asks, “What makes you hate yourself? Is it the red shoes? What? Is it the red shoes? No. Are you sure?”
This unexpected question halts the negative thought cycle and opens a more positive and constructive dialogue.
Debora Robbers, an interpersonal communication expert, emphasizes that effective communication dramatically benefits from the ability to recognize and interrupt patterns.13 She compares conversations to a tennis game, where the exchange is a back-and-forth process, and the only person we truly control is ourselves. When discussions escalate, we can defuse conflict by stepping back and choosing not to react negatively.
Keep Notes
My mom always tried to look her best at home. She used to say that family is our most important people, and we must appear at our finest for them.
This idea extends to how we manage information about the people in our lives. In business, customer relationship management (CRM) tools help centralize customer data, track interactions, and provide valuable insights. Similarly, in our personal lives, keeping track of small details about the people we care about can enrich and deepen our relationships.
For example, after dining at a restaurant where my daughter loved the cheese, I snapped a photo and jotted down a note. Later, her comments hinted at a potential birthday gift, which I noted again.
Detail matters. Attention to detail helps us understand and anticipate needs, celebrate, surprise, properly fine-tune conversations, and offer support when needed. These little gestures help people who matter to us feel seen, heard and appreciated.
Tiago Forte is the author of Building a Second Brain: A Proven Method to Organize Your Digital Life and Unlock Your Creative Potential. In his book, Torte emphasizes the importance of offloading ideas and information from your brain into a trusted digital repository to help free up mental space and reduce cognitive overload.
Many successful individuals attribute their accomplishments to note-taking. These achievers are always equipped with tools to record their thoughts, day or night. In pre-smartphone days, Spanx founder Sara Blakely carried her notebooks everywhere.11 It doesn’t matter if you use a collection of notes or a note-taking app as long as your notes are easy to take and retrieve.
Key Takeaways
- Always take the opportunity to notice those around you. It can brighten your day and theirs, give you a “helper’s high,” and even save a life.
- Strengthen your social network by making acquaintances and friends-of-friends feel seen, which can open doors to new opportunities and deepen connections.
- Show your loved ones they matter by tuning into their emotional and physical needs and offering thoughtful and personalized support.
- Foster strong, lasting relationships by focusing on the positive and using strategies to navigate and defuse conflicts.
- Take notes of what matters to the people you care about to surprise them, celebrate milestones, connect, and deepen bonds.
Footnotes
1. https://people.com/oprah-winfrey-shares-secret-to-finding-happiness-new-book-exclusive-7966019
2. https://standard.asl.org/27705/uncategorized/social-media-causes-attention-spans-to-drop/
3. https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/18.01.031.20241203.pdf
4. https://soax.com/research/time-spent-on-social-media
7. https://www.jstor.org/stable/2776392
8. https://jamesclear.com/selective-attention
10. https://youtu.be/f_xGciln6mE?si=s96CLmoxGCjWCPZn
11. https://www.instagram.com/sarablakely/p/BZOQ2srHtJ_/