In the early 1990s, renowned American public speaker Jim Rohn famously stated, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” This thought-provoking idea inspired many to seek accomplished friends, though it also led some to adopt an unintended “friendship snob” mindset. In this article, we delve into the mechanisms of mutual influence, exploring concepts like mirroring and social immersion. We also explain the roles of expanders and “possibility models” and how they can inspire and uplift us without the necessity of forming personal friendships with them. This article clarifies how to embrace the wisdom of “the average of five” while fostering a vibrant, diverse circle of close friends who bring us joy, laughter and happiness.
“The Average of Five” Principle Explained
Jim Rohn’s famous phrase, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” has a scientific basis. People naturally adopt the behaviours, beliefs, and norms of those around them. This phenomenon occurs because we are influenced by others’ ideas and affected by their mere presence through neural synchronization.
What is neural synchronization?
Neural synchronization is a coordination of brain activity between individuals, facilitating social connection and mutual understanding. A lack of neural synchronization can explain the social challenges faced by individuals with autism spectrum disorder, who often find it difficult to connect with others.1 Neural synchronization happens naturally between people between people who spend time together. It can also be used intentionally to build rapport with others through subtle mirroring of tone of voice and body language, which naturally enhances connection.
What is mirroring?
Mirroring is a communication technique that focuses on nonverbal cues, tapping into what many call “true communication.” Research shows that only 7% of communication involves words, 38% comes from tone of voice and 55% from body language.2 Behavioral studies demonstrate that mirroring and matching nonverbal cues and tone can foster trust and build rapport. We naturally mirror people we feel comfortable with, but this practice can significantly enhance personal and professional communication when done intentionally.
This technique is widely used in fields like sales, business, and journalism to create a sense of alignment and understanding. Effective mirroring involves subtlety and authenticity. It can include mimicking another person’s posture, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, speech rate, or energy level. However, it should be executed like a dance, focusing on creating harmony rather than mimicking and imitating. It’s important to mirror only positive or neutral signals, avoiding any replication of negative or hostile behaviors, as this can backfire.
How do neural synchronization and mirroring affect us?
In her influential TED Talk, social psychologist Amy Cuddy explores how body language affects our hormones, as well as our mental and physical states. Cuddy introduces the concept of “power posing.” Power poses are expansive, confident postures that can elevate testosterone levels and decrease cortisol, enhancing feelings of power while reducing stress. Amy demonstrates that body language is crucial in shaping who we are. 3
Similarly, Tony Robbins, a renowned motivational coach, emphasizes that the difference between peak and poor performance often lies in the state of one’s body, not intelligence or ability. Robbins brings us a concept of a “peak performance” physical and mental state. He highlights how upright and confident posture boosts emotional resilience and improves performance, while poor posture can increase stress and sap energy levels.
Being around people in their “peak performance” and “power pose” states can significantly elevate our performance and energy level.
Inspirational Archetypes, Expanders and Possibility Models
How Beyonce Became Sasha Fierce
In a 2008 interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Beyoncé shared how she created an alter ego named Sasha Fierce to overcome onstage challenges and deliver her most powerful performances.4 She described Sasha Fierce as a bold, fearless character who radiated sensuality, aggression, and glamour. In other words, all of the qualities Beyoncé aimed to embody when presenting on stage. Beyoncé described her transformation to Sasha Fierce as acting: by putting on a wig and costume, she would become Sasha Fierce, channeling a stage presence that felt larger than life. Beyonce “faked it until she made it.” While Sasha Fierce was not modelled on any one person, it likely drew inspiration from iconic performers like Tina Turner, Diana Ross, and Josephine Baker, who exuded empowerment and left a lasting mark on Beyoncé’s artistry.
This concept of creating a persona resonates beyond the stage. I realized I had been unconsciously playing the role of a parent using a script I inherited from my mother. Despite living in a different country with different cultural norms and circumstances, I repeated many of her parenting mistakes. Her words echoed in my head during moments of parenting dilemmas, even though I wanted a better relationship with my children than I had with my mother. To break the cycle, I created a new persona—a “fantastic mom“—inspired by parents with strong and positive relationships with their children. Like an actor, I started playing the role of this idealized mother, drawing from observations of others who exemplified the parenting style I aspired to achieve.
Expanders and Possibility Models
To become better versions of ourselves, we all need guides in various areas of our lives. These guides are people who have already achieved our dreams or overcome our limitations. Laverne Cox, the acclaimed actress, introduced the term “possibility model” in 2014 to describe such guides: individuals who demonstrate what is achievable rather than prescribing a specific path to follow. Similarly, Lacy Phillips, founder of the To Be Magnetic (TBM) program, introduced the concept of “expanders” in 2017. Expanders are people who embody the qualities, achievements, or lifestyles we aspire to have. 5
These guides, whether possibility models or expanders, rarely exist within our immediate social circles, especially if our aspirations are very ambitious. For example, while a “good parent” expander might be accessible, a “million-dollar business owner” expander might only be reachable through their books, interviews, or training programs.
Barbara Walters was the first woman to co-anchor a network evening news program in the United States, breaking barriers for women in journalism. After Walters’ death, Oprah Winfrey posted on Instagram, “Without Barbara Walters, there wouldn’t have been me“. 6
Most importantly, we don’t need to befriend expanders to benefit from their guidance. Instead, we can engage with their content, study their journeys, read their books, or participate in their programs and training sessions. Expanders can serve as individual possibility models, or we can blend aspects of several into a composite persona. We replicate their path step by step or adopt their traits in specific situations, much like Beyoncé channelled Sasha Fierce on stage.
Social Immersion: The Most Powerful and Perilous Path to Change
Social Contagion Shapes Us
Social contagion refers to the influence of social circles on shaping who we are. Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler studied this phenomenon, particularly how obesity spreads within social networks. Their 2007 study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, examines how relationships affect health outcomes. They found that obesity can be “socially contagious,” highlighting the significant impact of social networks on behaviours and health. 7
Subsequent research reinforced this idea, showing that networks influence health-related habits like smoking, drinking, eating, exercising, and sleeping. Beyond health, social contagion affects our emotions, voting patterns, financial choices, and even technology adoption. Research studies underscore the profound role of social environments in shaping individual behaviour and outcomes, emphasizing how deeply interconnected our lives are through shared behaviours and decisions within our social networks.
Social Immersion is the Fast Track to Change
Indeed, social immersion is one of the fastest ways to adopt a new behaviour, mindset, or habit or learn a new language. When Oprah Winfrey founded the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls (OWLAG) in 2007, she designed it as a boarding school to provide full immersion in education and personal development. The academy serves academically gifted girls from disadvantaged backgrounds, offering them a safe and nurturing environment. Oprah emphasized that the boarding school model helps students focus on their education without the distractions, hardships, or negative influences they might face at home. This immersive setup allows the girls to concentrate on building leadership skills, confidence, and academic success. By removing external pressures and fostering a supportive community, OWLAG empowers its students to realize their potential and break free from cycles of poverty. The school embodies the transformative power of immersion in fostering growth and opportunity.
Struggles and Pain of Social Immersion
Social immersion often involves significant struggles adapting to and thriving in a new environment. A poignant example is the tragic story of Sanda Dia, as described in a New York Times article:
“Sanda Dia saw a fraternity as a doorway into a different life. The son of an immigrant factory worker, he was an ambitious 20-year-old Black student at one of Belgium’s most prestigious universities. The fraternity, Reuzegom, was home to the scions of Antwerp’s white elites. Access to that rarefied world, he decided, was worth enduring the fraternity’s notoriously vicious hazing ritual. He did not survive it.” 8
A less tragic but very illustrative case is Molly Brown, portrayed by Kathy Bates in the 1997 film Titanic. Despite her wealth, the old-money aristocracy views her as an outsider due to her lack of refinement and aristocratic lineage. Molly Brown represents a newly wealthy person treated as an outsider by the old-money aristocracy. Her lack of refined manners, traditional education, and family lineage causes her to be looked down upon by those who prize heritage over personal achievement. Molly’s lack of “polish” makes her a target of subtle and sometimes overt scorn.
Many immigrants in today’s society face struggles to fit in. Even with supportive integration programs, they often gravitate toward familiar communities, socializing and living near others from their homeland.
Friendship Through the Lens of Social Contagion
A Friend is Someone Who Makes Us Laugh
Here is a thought-provoking quote from Shasta Nelson’s book Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness: “I can let anyone be my friend as long as she is not lying or screaming.” This simple yet powerful statement challenges the commonly cited “average of five” principle, which suggests that we are shaped by the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Unlike family relationships, which are determined by birth, friendships are a domain where we exercise full autonomy in choosing our connections. Should we, indeed, let anyone who doesn’t yell or lie be our friend?
“A fair amount of what we get from a relationship is a good mood,” Nelson explains. True friendship fulfills deep emotional needs for social bonds. Laughter, care, trust, shared experiences, and meaningful connection make friendship a vital and enriching part of our lives, providing comfort and joy. Through these bonds, we feel a sense of belonging, which can reduce stress and help us cope better with life challenges.
For personal growth, we can seek “expanders” or “possibility models,” inspirational figures who show us what is possible. Expanders don’t need to be our friends or even know us to impact our lives. While the “average of five” principle suggests surrounding ourselves with smarter, healthier, or wealthier people to elevate our behaviours through social contagion, choosing friends solely based on this metric overlooks the true essence of friendship.
The Power of Choice in Growing with Friends
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus observed, “You become what you give your attention to.” We are shaped not just by the people around us but by what we choose to focus on.
A Tale of Two Brothers illustrates this point very well. One brother grew up to become an alcoholic, while the other never touched alcohol. When asked about the roots of their behaviour, both brothers gave the same answer: “I do it because my father was an alcoholic.” This story highlights an important truth: we don’t necessarily copy the behaviour of those around us. Some people follow in the footsteps of family and friends, others consciously do the opposite, and many take a middle path.
While some habits and preferences can spread quickly through social contagion, full synchronization between individuals takes much longer. Psychologist Robert Zajonc’s 1987 study found that it takes at least 25 years for married couples to grow similar. This phenomenon results from shared emotions and experiences, influencing characters, habits, and physical features. 9
Friendships, however, rarely span such long, uninterrupted periods. Research by Gerald Mollenhorst of Utrecht University showed that only 30% of people’s closest friends remain after seven years, though 48% stay within their broader social circle.10 Friendships are dynamic and constantly evolving as we move through life. We are empowered to mirror traits we admire in friends while disregarding those that don’t serve our growth, highlighting the role of conscious choice in shaping who we become.
Humans are hardwired for multigenerational living and cross-generational friendships because, historically, this was the basis for our survival and well-being. Evolution favoured cooperation, wisdom-sharing, and caregiving across ages, fostering resilience and stronger social bonds.
Key Takeaways
- Social circles significantly influence us, but we are ultimately shaped more by what we focus on than by the people around us.
- To grow into the best versions of ourselves, we need “expanders” and “possibility models” who have achieved what we aspire to and overcome our challenges.
- Friendship enriches our lives through laughter, care, trust, shared experiences, and meaningful connections, offering comfort and joy.
- We don’t need to befriend expanders and possibility models to benefit from their example and follow their path.
- Social immersion is a powerful and fast way to adopt new behaviours, habits, or mindsets, though it can also come with a fair amount of pain.
Footnotes
1. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11413982/
2. https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/
3. https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2018/04/03/power-posing-is-back-amy-cuddy-successfully-refutes-criticism/
4. https://www.oprah.com/own-oprahshow/beyonc-on-her-alter-ego-sasha-fierce
5. https://tobemagnetic.com/tbm-blog/2017/4/24/the-unmet-self-manifestation
6. https://www.businessinsider.com/oprah-pays-tribute-to-barbara-walters-2022-12
7. https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMsa066082
8. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/04/world/europe/belgium-racism-sanda-dia.html
9. https://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/handle/2027.42/45361
10. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090527111907.htm